Dear Sticker Holder,

Thank you for not throwing it away immediately. If I gave you one of these stickers I thought we had a sincere moment in a world of insincerity.

You might have just been the cashier at PetSmart while I was buying pet food. You might be a friend of a friend that I met at a party.

Either way (and I know this makes no sense), just please whatever happens over the next two years while AI burgeons and the stability of our climate withers, remember not to vote for me.

No matter what (stay with me if you’ve made it this far) your algorithms tell you, to hate this group, chide these bozos, orcheer these heros, I would not be a good fit for the job. I don’t care if your algorithms send you on a rollercoaster from laughter to awe to tears with a roundtrip back to chuckles international, I do not want to do all that work if you elect me.

I don’t know what the future holds, I honestly don’t. It scares me, and I don’t have a plan I just wanna talk about it. Those are hardly the qualities of the President of the United States of America, and I worry that any white man with hair as good as mine and a name that already feels posteritous.