Promises

In order to convince you not to vote for me in 2024 I would like to lay out some of the things I will do as your inevitable President of the United States of America.

These are not to be confused with robust policy assertions or even action plans but rather should be treated as instinctual impulses I both aspire and expect myself to engage in once I inherit the Oval Office.

Corrupt

Many have accused politicians of being corrupt over the years and indeed many politicians have been caught in their corruption. The problem is that much of this corruption is hard to pinpoint or just not all that exciting to witness. I will end this dearth of interesting scandals with my three point corruption plan.

  1. I promise that I will use the office of the President of the United States of America to personally enrich myself.

  2. I promise that as President I will funnel no-bid government contracts to my friends and family.

  3. I promise to pick one stock every week to pump and dump. The stock symbol will be announced after market close on the preceding Friday. Constituents can play along by buying the stock and seeing if they can make any money before I dump my holdings in the stock at it’s tippy top and leave all the bag holders to wallow in their losses.

Since I am going to be forced to work for you lot, I’d like to leave office rich as a fat tan frenchman.

Inefficient

I am not remotely qualified to be President of the United States of America. I have no experience with the Military, no experience managing large organization, and really don’t have a long attention span in general. This will make my immensely inefficient as President, and will be compounded by my view that I should get a feel for the Federal Government before making any drastic executive decisions.

I promise I will not unveil any policy suggestions for the first 100 days of my inevitable Presidency.

Dangerous

One drastic action I do promise to undertake is endeavoring to commence a 3rd Continental Congress in order to discuss a decrease in the size of the Federal Government from three branches to five. Thereby increasing the total checks and balances from 6 to 20.