380 Words on August 9th, 2022

Dear Everyone,

I haven't written you in a while. Well sincerely at least, and I did warn you about sincerity already.

So what do I say now? I'm the next President after all so I'd like to figure out how to talk like the President in my inevitable failure to stop my unfortunate Presidency.

  •       Hi?

  •       Our generation will be able to fix all of this if we just wait patiently for our grandparents to retire?

  •       The glaciers will leave but we will thrive as we wait for their return? 

  •       The Third Continental Congress doesn't end in disaster?

  •       China stop genociding?

  •       Russia stop invading?

  •       Rich people stop gutting the economy that got you rich in the first place so that we can keep this bullshit factory going long enough to build something new that will sustain us physically, mentally, and spiritually following Anthropocene collapse?

  •       Love yourself?

  •       What is my plan?

Well first I will figure out how to use the office of the Presidency to enrich myself personally. I am not going to end up like Truman so at the very least I am going to raise the Presidential Pension for myself once I get out of office.

I will confiscate a mega or ultra-yacht for myself, I've actually been eyeing Bezos's sailing yacht that he's gonna have to demolish a bridge and endure an egging to get to the ocean. But after it's out of Dutch waters I think it looks like the perfect successor to the USS Sequoia name.

Anyway, that's step one.

Step two is to just wing it. I figure for the first 100 days in office I won't do anything. I'll make a big production out of going to every national park probably and try to visit as many government installations as possible. I want to get a feel for our system works now before I throw a wrench in the gears of our republic to accomplish my own narcissistic and menial goals. I figure by commencing a 3rd Continental Congress I will at least be a footnote in history. Whether because I put the period on our national crumbling or because I somehow pulled the greatest bait and switch in history and solidified myself as the first American Dictator.

Jefferson FreemanComment