OK, Boomers.
Impeachment Diary X | Whenever, 2020
OK, Boomers.
Let me speak slowly.
I think Millennial condescension is hypocritical.
After all, right now, we’re all just critics.
But I think I have a solution for All of Us.
I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to write a book, and live in some hilly wood somewhere.
I wanted to watch Bon Appetit videos and read spy novels into my retirement.
I wanted to have a garden where I grew vegetables and raised possums.
But, this Government charade has gone on long enough.
I think I need to do something Legal to help the situation.
I think I need to Speak, hypothetically.
The Truth is the United States is a Government for the People by the People.
And the People have rights too, one of those Rights is that we can write in anyone’s name on our ballots.
Write-in candidates have won before in this Nation.
Heck, we have a current Senator who got there based on a Write-in campaign.
So, Let me present to you a Hypothetical Scenario.
If the President is above the law, then I can be a Lawless President.
And that’s the only kind of President I would hypothetically want to be.
I’m almost 30, but you have to be 35 to be President according to the Constitution.
So for me to run for President I would be in violation of the Constitution.
But Hypothetically, Once I am elected I can’t be in violation of the law, apparently.
And, We have freedom of speech in the United States. So I can say anything I want.
So hypothetically, I could start a SuperPAC, as any human/corporation can, according to the Supreme Court.
That SuperPAC would run against me. It would advertise for people Not to write in my name for President in 2020.
After all I am underage.
I could hypothetically lead the Crowd-Funding of that SuperPAC with Millenial’s spare change.
The SuperPAC’s purpose would be to eliminate SuperPAC’s. And we would not advertise traditionally because traditional ads don’t work anymore.
We would have stickers for purchase. And we would put those stickers everywhere!
We would make memes making fun of me, and making fun of everybody.
We would advertise only on porn websites, the ads are far cheaper and reach a wider audience.
Hell, even Ted Cruz watches Step-mother porn.
That SuperPAC would run solely opposition ads to my Hypothetical Candidacy.
That SuperPAC would urge everyone Not to write-in a vote for Jefferson Thomas Freeman.
After all I’m not even old enough to be President.
Seriously, Y’all have created a Constitutional Loophole by making the President a King.
We have the right as Citizens to write in any name on the Ballot.
In fact, I think writing in A name may be the only way to ensure the safety of this election.
The former National Security Director just said the 2020 election is under attack.
Our voting machines are vulnerable, and Our Collective Media has become a propaganda machine.
So let’s do something:
Demand Paper Ballots, Bring Paper.
And let’s say this campaign against myself works. Let’s say I get enough electoral college votes to win the 2020 Presidential Election.
We will have to take it to the Supreme Court since it’s not of age, but there’s precedent for that too.
I think my argument to the Justices would be clear. The minimum age in the constitution for President is discriminatory because there is no maximum age.
I think I could find a Lawyer who would want to make that Argument to the Supreme Court.
And frankly, I think I’d win.
I don’t know how to start a movement. But I guess I am going to start a hypothetical one to see if there is a market for a real one.
So, what if that hypothetical happened. What if your political calculus is completely wrong?
Y’all had planned everything thinking there would only be two parties.
But there is historical precedent for things no one predicted. Our current President is an example.
I don’t think screaming partisanship will make Epstein unhang himself.
And Republicans, you should know, falling on your master’s sword isn’t patriotic it’s just pathetic.
Democrats, Y’all obviously have some fessing up to do too. Virtue doesn’t manifest without coming to terms with your own vices.
Y’all forgot that anyone can have a party in the United States of America.
So I’m hypothetically going to reintroduce a Fourth party.
I’m hypothetically going to rebirth the Whig party (not sponsored by Any One.)
The Hypothetical New Whig Party.
I think America is ready for a New Whig.
Hypothetically, I am going to be the Next President of the United States of America.
Sorry Boomers, I think y’all should retire, it would help the Economy.
I think I’m hypothetically going to embrace my unintentional namesake and get Constitutional on Y’all.
I think I would hypothetically win. After all all it takes to be president is a recognizable name.
Hypothetically,
Jefferson Thomas Freeman for President 2020
I’m not even old enough, but I’m gonna fix everything.
The New Whig Party
Refounding America.
P.S. Here’s some Hypothetical Executive Orders I will sign:
Let’s free Our Aliens in Area 51, and the Ones in Cages.
Let’s pardon Our debts.
Let’s upgrade the entirety of Our Public Transit System.