October 6th, 2021 | On workplace metrics

The past two years have brought a significant change to how We the People work. Whether you've working from home or are essential worker receiving the hollow thanks of society. The pandemic has changed your day to day happenings.

One pleasant change that has evolved from the new way We the People work is that we are tracked at an increasingly granular rate. I think we can all agree that our managers tracking everything we do only makes us happier and more productive. Nothing makes my heart sing like knowing that if I step away from my computer for too long that I may go idle on Microsoft Teams and that revelation, if repeated too often, may affect my performance review. Knowing that my contributions to my employer are itemized, queried, and categorized makes me feel like I am wearing a pair of wool socks on a snowy morning.

As President I will answer to you the American People. You will be my manager and therefore I will share the metrics of my own work with you the American people so that you may know better what your leader does.

Metrics like: MCIA: Minutes of Classified Information Absorbed, HSBC: Hands Shook/Baby's Kissed, and GFO: Grievings For Others. GFO is an especially helpful metric in letting you the People of the United States know how I am doing when responding to a Natural Disaster, of which there will be more than ever, during my Presidency.

Please don't vote for me.
Sincerely,
Jefferson Thomas
Your Next President Unfortunately.